Am I the asshole for turning down my biological daughter’s request to join Thanksgiving? Would I be wrong to keep Thanksgiving just for my current family?
Throwaway account because I don’t want anyone I know to find this.
I (39F) had a baby when I was 16. My parents were very supportive, but we decided that adoption was the best choice. I’ve always known it was the right thing, but it’s still been a hard thing to carry. My husband (41M) and I have been married for 15 years, and we have two kids (12F and 9M). Neither he nor my kids know about the daughter I gave up, and the topic has never come up in my adult life.
About a year ago, my daughter (23F) found me. We’ve been talking regularly—pretty much daily—and I love our relationship. She’s an amazing young woman, and it feels like this huge piece of my heart that I thought was lost has come back to me. My mom (63F) knows about her, as she was there during the pregnancy and adoption. She’s always hoped to meet her granddaughter and has talked more about it as she’s gotten older. My dad (66M), on the other hand, has never spoken about it since the adoption. I have no idea how he would feel.
Here’s where the problem starts: My daughter wants to meet the family. She’s really excited to meet her siblings and grandparents, and she’s suggested Thanksgiving as the perfect opportunity. But I haven’t told my husband about her yet. I know keeping this a secret from him for over a year is wrong, but I just didn’t know how to bring it up. I was scared he’d be upset that I didn’t tell him earlier, and I don’t know how he’d react to the fact that I have another child.
I feel trapped. If I don’t let her come, I’m worried it’ll damage our relationship, but if I do, it could blow up my entire family. My mom thinks I should just tell everyone, but I don’t even know how to start. My dad might react badly, my husband might feel betrayed, and my kids could be confused or upset.
I love my daughter and want her to feel like she belongs in my life, but I also don’t want to destroy the family I have now. Am I the asshole for telling her that Thanksgiving isn’t the right time?
TL;DR: I gave up my daughter for adoption when I was 16. We’ve been talking for over a year, but I haven’t told my husband or kids. She wants to meet the family at Thanksgiving, and I’m panicking. Would I be the asshole for saying no?
