AITA for having second thoughts about marrying my fiancée because of how her sons treat my dog and her parenting style?
I (51M) am divorced and engaged to my fiancée (36F), who has two sons, 9 and 12. I love my fiancée, and we’ve been together for one year. She’s smart, funny, and compassionate—at least to me. But lately, I’ve been having serious doubts about whether I can marry her, and it all revolves around her boys and my dog.
I have an older German Shepherd, Max, who is my best friend. Max 11 years old and is a gentle, quiet soul who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Unfortunately, that seems to make him a target for my fiancée’s boys. Now that they are spending more time at my house, I notice that they seem to have fun tormenting him—pulling his tail, poking him, throwing his toys at him, and trying to scare him. Max just looks at me with those sad eyes or tries to hide behind my legs, and it breaks my heart.
When I’ve told the boys to stop, they either laugh it off or argue. My fiancée, instead of backing me up, gets angry with me. She says, “They’re just boys” or “You’re being too sensitive.” She never admonishes them or sets boundaries. I’ve tried to explain how unkind it is to bother Max, but it feels like I’m hitting a brick wall.
It’s not just about Max, though. I’m worried this is a glimpse into her parenting style. If we have a child together, I fear she’ll raise them with the same lack of discipline and accountability, which I find unacceptable. I grew up with the belief that kindness to animals is a reflection of a person’s character, and this situation has made me question whether we’re truly aligned on values.
I don’t have children of my own, so I’ll admit I don’t have direct parenting experience. However, I was very involved in helping to raise my five nieces and nephews, all of whom have grown into wonderful, kind, and compassionate human beings. I know what respectful, empathetic kids look like, and this behavior isn’t it.
I’ve brought up my concerns with her a few times, but it always ends in an argument. She accuses me of being too harsh on her kids and of prioritizing Max over them. It’s not about choosing one over the other—I just want to protect Max and know that if we’re building a family, we’re on the same page about how to raise children.
I love her, but I can’t ignore how deeply this bothers me. Am I overreacting? AITA for having second thoughts about this engagement? Should I stick it out and hope things change, or is this a sign that we might not be compatible after all?
